There is not enough love and all the love is never enough!

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." - Buddha

How often do you worry or fret over something? How often do you let something that hurts you, consume you? How often do you let the actions of people that you love, and others affect you? How often do you care more than you are cared for? How often do you give more than you receive?

Since day immemorial, I have been someone who cares too much. I let my surroundings get the better of me. Call it fear, call it intuition, call it anything. But if I do not feel right about something, I react.

Not always a heavy reaction but a small one at the least. My mother makes my favorite dish, I'm ecstatic. My pets play with me, I'm over the moon, my work was appreciated, I am joyous and strive to do better. In similar light, my downfalls, even if small work me up quite a bit. I work hard at keeping up something and if it falls flat for me, I let the disappointment consume me. I don't want to give too many examples, but you get the idea. 

I like to think of myself as emotionally intelligent. I am empathetic, fiercely loyal, I allow myself to be consumed by love and I just cannot hold my tongue. I am sure quite a few who read this would agree that if there is friction between me and the other person, I need to get rid of it. I work hard at what I care about and try to keep it in its pristine state. In my relationships, there is no scope for long lasting discord. One way or another it needs to be leveled out. I hold very few people dear and do not have many friends. Hence this is inevitable for me.

I care way too much about people, my work, my health etc. But I have a confession to make. Off late, I am not entirely convinced that these very things I care about have cared as much about me in return. Let me explain.

Let's face it. We all face loses in life. Take the simple case of so many friends you thought the world about, and you let go of yourself in their company, showed them the most vulnerable you, there is. But one fine day, they are no longer present in your life. What you thought was a constant to you, was mercilessly removed like a rug being yanked away from under you. And then, there's those who you have taken for granted as a constant and you do a lot to keep them that way. But they do not seem to return the gesture/emotion. If at all anything, their body language seems apathetic towards you. It may not be true, but you’re left feeling like that anyways.

You bust your rear at a fitness center, eat right and work real hard, only for your body to not cooperate.

Your work/education- you work hard at something and you know you did your best and even did a good job at it. But all in vain. 

All these bother me. When I give my all and do not receive at least bare minimum in return, it affects me. I worry and fret and constantly let my mind wander trying to think of hundred different ways to fix it. I let the fear of failure consume me and send me into a frenzy of emotions while trying to find a solution or a way out.

If it is people, I try to talk to them and let them know how I feel and try to come to a mutual consensus. But if the conversation is going awry, and I find myself incapable of making them see reason, I end up accepting the situation only because I love them that much and care enough not to lose them. This, in my opinion is not healthy. And my worrying during this time, is often perceived as drama.

If it is work, I do worry. As I worry, I think of different possible solutions that could possibly resolve the issue at hand. And my worrying during this, is often perceived as panic.

If it is my fitness/health, when I do not see results or bicker about my efforts going to waste, it is complaining/impatience.

Clearly, you’re judged/branded one way or another. But if the same problems are faced by other individuals, we must empathize and provide shoulders as and when necessary and talk pleasingly.

In all this I have learned one thing. You cannot change people or sometimes the situation and yet, "Change is the only constant!" How messed up is that?

Over the years, I have realized that we all have expectations. We all have hopes and aspirations and we all face disappointments when things don't go the way we want them to, we feel bad. Mostly people tell me, “Don’t let it affect you.” To all those of you who say that- Please stop and think! I am sure that there are things that affect you quite deeply. They may not be the same things that affect me, but we are all humans. We work as a combination of head AND heart. It is very easy to tell a person not to let things affect them instead of patiently asking them to pour their heart out and genuinely trying to offer a solution or a shoulder. That’s all people need sometimes. Not a dose of reality or advice. But just reassurance that they are not alone and can depend on those few people they care about to have their back and let it all out!

You may not know the silent cries that so many people are making. You may think of them as drama or negativity but unless you are in their shoes, you will never know how deeply they feel.

And so, my ask of the world is this- Under no circumstances, ignore/turn a deaf ear to the few people who care about you. Do not tell them that they are negative/they need to buck up. They know that themselves and at that point of time you're just causing more damage than ever. You don’t need to do it every time but at least now and them, show them kindness and show them love. When their fear manifests and they either turn silent and move away or confess their feelings to you, show them kindness. Listen and offer some solace and love. You’ll be surprised at the change in their demeanor.  Ease the facts in and don’t always offer a slap of reality. Bottom line- when people come asking you for solace, treat them how you’d want to be treated when you’re at your lowest and darkest.

Let’s face it. The world moving at a very fast pace and there are a handful of people who may effectively care about you. The way you make an impact and make efforts to keep people in your life matters. It is very easy for them to grow apathetic and leave. What’ll you do then? You may like a hundred-different people but remember, these are the ones who are always there the very moment that you need them. Be the bigger person. Make the people who love you feel loved. Make them feel important and cherished. Call, text, meet up, send a gift, send a post card, write a letter, inquire about their day or week, ask them if they're okay . Do something to let them know that you love them and/or are thinking about them.  I think it’s the worst thing to lose someone who loves/likes you more than losing someone you love/like.  

My apologies to all those who loved me, and I didn’t do my part in keeping us alive. I regret it.

There’s one thing that my mum always used to say, which I have seen materialize over the years– “Don’t go behind people, Maya. Go for the people who come to you/come behind you.” And I see that they’re the ones that stick. 

There is not enough love in this world and all the love is never enough.

Food for thought.