Soul song.

Here’s a thought. I firmly believe that all of us have something or the other, that keeps our soul functioning. Like a spark. Something like a quality or a person or a purpose or something that we live for. I am finding it a little difficult putting it into plain words. But the idea is that something that sings in harmony with your soul.

Do you ever feel like you've lost your spark in life? That core element that kept the raging fire in your soul ablaze? Sure, there are ups and downs. Albeit somehow, you find your way back and quickly repair your spark to burn bright again. But has there ever been a time when you seem to have lost your way? I am not referring to darkness, or your mind being clouded, or the fact that you are upset/depressed. But you’re just lost. Like in the movies, where all you see around you are barren lands, not a living creature in sight. Just lost.

Somehow, in doing what you’ve been doing and living life the way you’ve been living, you’ve lost yourself, your spark and your way. What identified you uniquely, is now hanging somewhere in oblivion and you’re just there standing and looking around as though searching for something, but you don’t even remember what it is anymore!

There was a time when you were the life of any group, and you could cheer people up in an instant no matter how messed up you were as a person. You were raucous, boisterous, easy going and very likable. Years of learning to let go made you strong, confident, happy and at peace. But then one fine day, something sets you off and you get a little pensive. You start to contemplate if this is really who you are as a person. Is your soul honestly at rest, when you are this kind of a person? Or was it more at peace when you were an introvert, happy with your books, with a lovely little swing on the balcony of your home, your pets and your own little world of fantasy like Alice in her wonderland?

I think we all reach a stage in life when our idle minds don’t essentially play the devil’s workshop but at least get us thinking. As I may have mentioned in some of my earlier blogs, I am a thinker. I am very pensive, and I contemplate a lot of possibilities of how events would roll out. That’s just me as a person. I’m overly cautious and I am afraid to make mistakes and, in the process, disrupt relationships and things in general. Does this make me an over thinker and earn me reprimands of “You think way too much, you need to stop”? Or does it make me someone who cares enough to keep things simple, harmonious and keep my relationships smooth? There’s always more than one side to a story.

I guess irrespective of whether I was the silent introverted kind or the raucous inappropriate kind, one thing always stuck. My need to keep things going and my obsessive habit of doing my very best and giving my all to any relationship I share, or work that I do. Be it family, friendship or marriage. I guess that’s what keeps my soul alive. When my behavior brings a heartfelt smile to my loved ones. That’s my spark.

When I say I have lost my spark, it isn’t like I don’t want to do what it takes to keep my relationships smooth. It just feels like what used to fuel my soul, now doesn’t seem to do the trick as it did before. Hell, I am still happy when I see my people happy. But is that all? What, apart from a dizzying sense of happiness am I getting from this? Love? You may shame me for saying this, but I am not sure that Love is enough. Not unless you love yourself in the process, right? All the people in the world could love you. But what’s the point of all that love when the one person who should love you (Yourself) doesn’t?

In all this, a thought is steadily dawning on me. Did I spend so much time and effort in loving all these people, and perfecting existing situations, that somewhere along the way, I forgot to love myself? Because if I didn’t, why do I feel so inadequate today? Why do I feel like I have lost a part of myself that made me feel at peace with myself? Please do not mistake that I am blaming the people I love. This is more of a "I need to find out what's going wrong" situation.

Funny thing, I used to be the vivacious kind who’d immediately try to rectify things as soon as she identified the problem. I would say “here on, I promise to love myself!” etc. etc. Ha-ha! But no, not this time. I think for your soul to heal it takes time. You need to build it back, one block at a time. I have no idea how to do it. Because over the past five years alone, I would have undergone several behavioral and attitudinal changes and experimented a lot on finding myself. But I have made more friends in these last five years, than I have in all my life and I do not regret it!

In all this, one thing always stuck. My constant need to make the people I love, feel loved. That will never change. I guess I just need to work a lot more on learning to love myself the way I do, others.

On a parting note, please do not read this and think that I am depressed or in need of help. I am perfectly fine😁. I just like to pour my thoughts in a free flow manner, and hope that some other distressed soul finds a little solace in reading a fellow soul’s rant.

Not to get preachy, but a humble request to the readers. Make the people who love you, feel loved. If they’re distant or reaching out about their state of mind or requesting a change in behavior or crying wolf about things getting awry in the relationship, at least listen, and show them that they matter to you. You’ll never truly realize the worth of something until the moment you’ve lost it.😊

And never forget to love yourself. You'll never realize that you’ve lost yourself until you have and building yourself again, would be a herculean task!

Cheers to the messed up and confused lives we lead! Cheers to family, friends, dogs and love!

Food for thought.

-Confessions of a restless soul.